Christmas Music is Trash
- Jackson Ireland
- Dec 23, 2020
- 17 min read
Well, it’s that time of the year again. The cold is setting in, the lights are going up, people are trampling each other to buy the latest gismos and doodads, it’s Christmas! I’m not going to lie, being an adult, or at least something that can be loosely described as an adult, has taken some of the fun out of the holiday, but fuck it, I still love Christmas anyway. Sure that could be because I can gorge myself on food and not feel bad about it, but there is a certain magic to this time of the year. The family coming together, celebrating goodwill to all men, sitting by the fire to watch dumb Christmas movies. Granted we probably won’t be able to do half that stuff this year because, well you know why. Though I am going to try to have a jolly old time regardless.
But there’s one part of the season I always dread. An element of the holiday that always puts me in particularly grinchy mood, the music. Yes, the radio is particularly unlistenable this time of year. Which is saying a lot considering the utter abortion that is modern day pop music. I don’t hate all Christmas music, but the few songs I like are far outweighed by the ones I don’t. To make matters worse we keep hearing the same bloody songs over and over again. Where’s the new stuff? Christmas music seems to have remained static for the last 20 years and we need some fresh blood pumped into its veins. And if you’ll permit me, I’m going to rant for a little bit about some of the Christmas songs you always hear this time of year, because after the year we’ve had I think I need to vent.
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (Bruce Springsteen’s version)
Why don’t we start things off nice and simple with a cover of a classic Christmas jingle that manages to completely fuck it up. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town was originally recorded in 1934 and it’s become a staple of the holidays being covered by a wide range of artists. There's nothing wrong with the song itself, it’s a nice simple Christmas tune that’s catchy and easy to sing along to. You know what it isn’t good for? Rocking out too. Enter Bruce Springsteen and his very strange cover. This song was recorded live in 1973 but it would go on to get some radio play, which isn’t common for live recordings. It's since become a festive favourite, which baffles me because this song eats.
Maybe this would sound better live, but this sounds annoying as a recorded single. The song is all over the place, there’s a horn section that comes out of nowhere that doesn’t mesh well with the rest of the song. What is Springsteen doing here, is he doing a classic rock version or a big band version, pick a lane grandpa. And what’s with the Ho-Ho-Hoing at the end? I get it’s a Santa Claus song but it’s just distracting.
This version has apparently become a staple in Springsteen’s live shows and, to be fair, it probably works a lot better in a live setting. See, listening to a song live is a different experience than listening it as a single. When you’re watching a band/artist perform a song live you’re more focused on the actual performance. The songs don’t sound as good as when listening to them at home because they lack the production of a single/album release, so you focus more on the actual performance of the singer. That being said, I don’t get what Bruce is trying to do here. He performs this song like a dad trying way too hard to prove he’s still cool. Which is odd because he first did this while he was in his 20’s, I’m not even mad at that, I’m actually impressed.
But you know what the worst thing about this song is. It's not good to sing along to. The original Santa Clause is Coming to Town may not be a particularly great song, but it is a good song to sing along to. You get the family together and have a nice little sing along, most of the best Christmas songs are like that. But this version? Hell no. Bruce’s performance is so self-indulgent that it’s almost impossible for anyone else to get involved with it. Fr a Christmas song, this is arguably the biggest sin you can commit. At best it’s harmless background noise you play at a party, but in any other context? Yeah, I think I’ll tell Santa not to bother this year.
Santa Baby
I think I speak for most of us when I say the rampant commercialization of Christmas is ruining the magic of the holiday. Santa Baby is a tongue in cheek take on the overly elaborate gift buying the season brings but it doesn’t really hit the mark. The premise of the song is a woman reading out a Christmas list addressed to Santa which is filled with extravagant gifts. And ii mean extravagant. This gold-digging bimbo is asking for a convertible, a yacht, a diamond ring, Christmas decorations from Tiffany’s and even a frigging platinum mine.
Ok the other gifts I understand, though asking for Christmas decorations for Christmas is bizarre, but what in the fuck is she going to do with a platinum mine? Got a lot of uses for platinum does she? And I assume she’s going to ask for some miners to work in the platinum mine, or is she going to mine it all herself? Is she going to export this platinum or is she just gonna hoard it? If she just wanted the platinum, why not just ask for some platinum? And even if you got some platinum, where you going to smelt the stuff? You going to just put it in a microwave?
But that’s not what makes the song weird. What really elevates this song is how it’s performed. Originally sung by Eartha Kitt, Santa Baby is a very, suggestive song. The way Kitt sings it, it sounds like she’s trying to seduce Santa Claus. Ok first, Santa ain’t no simp, second, who tries to seduce Santa Claus? The funny part is when she sings about how she’s been a good girl this year. “Think of all the fun I’ve missed,” I think we all know the kind of fun she’s referring too, “think of all the boys I haven’t kissed,” hear that ladies, if you want to get into the mining business al you got to do is not be a thot. I love that Kitt is trying to come off like a sweet virgin girl while singing like she’s tempting Santa to come down her chimney. If Eartha Kitt circa 1953 is a virgin girl then I’m the king of Sweden.
This song was so suggestive that it actually got banned from radio play in certain areas of the United States. Can you imagine what the reaction would be if W.A.P was released back then; I’m pretty sure people's heads would have exploded. Santa Baby is done in a very tongue in cheek way, but it isn’t very good when it comes to satirizing the commercialization of Christmas, if anything it revels in it. Santa Baby, please take this song away from me.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Alright, this is the last Santa related song I’ll cover, I promise. I debated if I wanted to cover this or not because it’s a novelty song and I made a conscious effort to avoid them, but the subject matter was just too funny not to talk about. I mean the song is about a kid walking in on his Mom cheating on his Dad with Santa. Where do I start with this? First off, Santa is a fucking player. Between this and Santa Baby the dude is total poon hound. No wonder he’s the patron saint of prostitutes, dude is rolling in pussy every December. Second, the mother was cheating on her husband with Santa? Santa! What is it about Santa that made him more attractive than the husband? Either the dad is really bad in the sack or that bowl full of jelly is a bigger chick magnet than I thought.
My favourite part is the kid's absolute naivety on what he’s seen. He thinks it would have been hilarious if his dad had witnessed this. Yeah, I’m not sure your dad would have liked the fact that his Christmas present from Santa was getting cucked. Also, for the love of god kid, keep your dad away from the shotgun. Lest you want your mothers white Christmas to turn into a very red one.
Now I know what you’re all going to say, “Jackson, this song isn’t about Santa cucking a guy. The Santa in the song is clearly the dad”. Well first off, my version is way funnier and second, how does that make the situation better. Instead of the kid walking in on his mom and Santa, he walked in on his parents. Either way he walked in on adults fucking. And don’t give me that wholesome, “they were just kissing,” bullshit. There was tickling involved, they were gearing up for some Christmas love making and don’t you dare deny it. And hey, whichever way you look at it, at least we know the mother has a Santa fetish.
Baby It’s Cold Outside
Here’s a song about the most wholesome of topics, date rape. Well, not really. I don’t really get the hate this song gets, I don’t think it’s particularly rapey or anything and reading the lyrics, it doesn’t seam that bad. Honestly outside of the “what’s in the drink line”, which given when this song was written was likely referring to alcohol, it’s not that bad. The woman in the song clearly wants to stay but she’s worried about the societal implications. If you honestly want to argue the songs quality from a feminist perspective, that’s the angle you should be attacking it from. The idea that woman shouldn’t be allowed to have sex lest they be deemed a whore. Why not talk about that part of the song?
I don’t get the hate this song gets. That doesn’t mean that I like it that much either. I’m not a fan of how the man and the woman talk over each other and the song just kind of meanders along without really building to anything. My main issue with the song as a “Christmas” song is that it has nothing much to do with Christmas. It doesn’t sound particularly Christmassy and the subject matter isn’t something I associate with the holiday. It's more of a winter song than a Christmas song. So yeah, I don’t love it, but I certainly don’t hate it and I certainly don’t get creeped out by it. However...
Lydia Liza and Josiah Lemanski version of Baby It’s Cold Outside
In 2016, Lydia Liza and Josiah Lemanski decided to record a version of Baby it’s cold outside that was more reflective of our current sensibilities. So instead of the man insisting the woman stay because it’s cold outside, instead he’s perfectly cool with it. The idea was to make this the less creepy version, instead they did the exact opposite.
I’m still not sure what the premise of the song is. The original I get, it’s about the chase and trying to get the girl to stay, but here he’s fine with her leaving, the song should be over within 5 seconds. That would have been a pretty funny parody of the original, just have the guy say he’s fine with her leaving and abruptly end the song, would have been hilarious. Instead the song keeps going and gets more and more uncomfortable as it goes on. This guy is clearly not interested, and she isn’t taking the hint. Either that or she wants him to chase her, but the guy is such a dumbass simp he can’t pick up on it.
There are people that think Baby it’s cold outside is a creepy song. I don’t agree with it, but I respect their opinion and can see where they are coming from to some degree. But if you want to make a less creepy version of it, use this cover as a prime example of what not to do. Just changing one aspect of a song doesn’t immediately make it better, you need to try harder than that. I know it’s cold outside but get the fuck out of my house, you’re creeping me out.
Wonderful Christmastime
I like to think the recording of this song went like this. One day, Paul McCartney got a brand-new Casio keyboard. Then he got very drunk, mashed his face against it for two minutes and then released it as a Christmas single. Fin. I have to believe this was the case, my brain refuses to believe any conscious effort went into the making of this abomination. The real affront really is the music. It honestly sounds like a five-year-old hitting every key on the Casio to hear what they sound like. Oh, there is a rhythm to it, a repetitive, dull, droning rhythm, but a rhythm nonetheless.
That’s really the core malady afflicting this song, it’s too damn repetitive. It just drones on and on and on, never really building to anything. By the time you reach the songs conclusion you feel a sense of relief and exhaustion. Which is weird because this is supposed to be a Christmas party anthem, something you get up and dance to. Instead, it sounds like a song you play at the end of the party where everyone is drunk and exhausted, and you want everyone to get out of the house. I suppose this song would be useful in that sense.
The part of this song that gets me is the use of the children’s choir. It’s used twice, the first time they just sing “ding-dong, ding-dong” and the second time they do it again, but this time McCartney decides to sing over them. First off, brilliant lyrical work here. No, really, you did a bang-up job. Second, if you are going to use a children’s choir, at least fucking use it. Don't sing over it. I don’t like John Lennon’s Christmas song either but at least he knew how to use a choir.
This is one of the worst Christmas songs I’ve ever heard, and its continuous radio play baffles me. Or it would if I didn’t know why it keeps getting played. You see, Wonderful Christmastime, was a platinum seller. How did you let this happen? How did you let this complete shitshow of a song get any kind of chart-topping success? Well thanks Boomers, thanks to your shit tastes, now we all have to suffer with this song every year. And while we’re on the subject...
Do They Know It’s Christmas?
Confession time, this song is pretty much the sole reason I wanted to do this in the first place. Everything else was but an appetizer, a mere taster before we got the main course. And it is ironic that I mention food because this song was written for charity to help with the 1983-85 Ethiopian famine. Nothing wrong with that, but why didn’t Bob Geldof just donate some of his own money to charity? It’s not like he didn’t have the money to spare. No, instead of doing the sensible thing, Geldof decided to do something grander, because it’s constant coverage on the news probably wasn’t enough for some people. Then, Geldof got an idea, an awful idea. Geldof got a wonderful, awful idea.
Geldof decided, I'm assuming while on some very strong drugs, to get all his musical buddies together and record a song. A nice little Christmas song for charity. The result is one of the most pretentious, self-righteous, intelligence insulting, arrogant, insufferable, moronic, condescending shit shows of a song ever released.
Look, celebrity events like this do very to help situations like this. They're good at getting the word out and they might supply a little bit of relief, but they don’t do much to address the core of the issues they fight against. And let’s be honest with ourselves, there’s a smugness to these kinds of charity singles. A sense of self-righteousness that’s utterly insufferable. That self-righteousness is all over this song. If Geldof wanted to help, he should have just done so, not made it a big spectacle like this. This might sound familiar to you younger readers out there and that’s because we now have a term to describe such self-deluded showcases of “kindness”, virtue signaling.
And when I call this thing condescending, I fucking meant it. While the music is just standard Christmassy affair, the actual lyrics, yeah not so much. And it doesn’t even build up to the condescension, it gets to it right from the word go. “At Christmastime, there’s no need to be afraid”. Bullshit there isn’t. Do you well-off Primadonna's not know how stressful this time can be? There’s buying gifts for friends and family, worrying about having enough money to buy gifts for friends and family, trying not to get trampled while getting said gifts, having to deal with embarrassing relatives, the fucking cold, those stupid tinsel things you put round your house and it falls apart and gets everywhere and then you have to take the tree down and one the baubles breaks and it was one you had when you were six and it just makes you depressed. So yeah, people have a lot of reasons to be afraid this Christmastime.
That’s not even getting into the people who are homeless at Christmastime. I would imagine those poor souls have plenty to be afraid of this time of the year. And that’s an issue we could be dealing with more directly because it’s happening on our own turf. But let’s continue shall we.
“At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade”. Banish shade? In the winter? Do you know how dark it gets during the winter, and how early? Well god-bless electricity I guess but what does that have to do with Christmas?
“And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy. Throw your arms around the world, at Christmastime”. Ok this isn’t so bad. It's a nice little wholesome message about thinking of others during the holiday. The next few lines are like this, making you think it might actually be decent. But then, then the song takes a hard left and smack you straight in the face.
“There’s a world outside your window, and it’s a world of dread and fear”. Really? Cause it looks pretty calm outside from where I’m sitting. That's a great lyric for a Christmas song, telling me the world outside is a hellish landscape filled with nothing but despair. I mean it’s true, but I don’t want to hear that at Christmas. And I know it’s referring to Africa, you pedantic pleeb, but Africa isn’t outside my window. Its outside my window and several thousands of miles away.
It gets worse. “Where the only water flowing, is the bitter sting of tears”. Jesus Christ, do you think you could dial it back a bit with the guilt tripping. What wholesome images this song brings to mind, the hellscape outside my window and the tears of children. Truly a merry old song for the holiday.
Somehow, it gets worse. “And the Christmas bells that ring there, are the clanging chimes of doom”. The clanging chimes of doom!? Seriously!? That's what you're going with. It sounds like it was written by a teenage goth kid. Unless they meant the Doom video game, in which case, how is that a bad thing? That sounds like the most badass Christmas ever.
And before you think it can’t possibly get worse, it can always get worse. “Well tonight thank god it’s them, instead of you”. This is where the song hits absolute rock bottom. One of the issues people have with charity singles is that they come off as preachy, they would rather guilt trip you into caring about an issue than just draw more attention to it. Nowhere is that more apparent than this one line.
I've heard arguments from people you like this song, yes children humanity is doomed, that this line is meant to be ironic. That you aren’t meant to take it at face value. But considering this line was sung by Bono, one of the most self-righteous pricks in all of contemporary music, I find that hard to believe. And he doesn’t undersell it either, he belts this thing out like the entire song has been building to this one moment.
And it honestly was building to that one moment. This is where all pretenses are lost and the song fully reveals what it is, a vanity project designed to guilt trip people into donating money to a specific cause. I don’t mind donating to charity but don’t guilt trip me into doing it. Charity should come from a genuine want to help others, not because you heard a song and felt bad about it. And the fact that this is coming from celebrities, people who have far more money and resources to help than most people, that just makes this all the more disgusting. I could stop there but, fuck it, let’s riff on a couple more.
“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime”. No snow in Africa?! That's, just like most other years.
“The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life”. Isn't life the greatest gift you could get in general? You ever see It’s a Wonderful Life? It's basically the entire point of the movie. Life is a precious thing that should be treasured, so no shit it’s the greatest gift they can get.
“Where nothing ever grows, no rain nor rivers flow”. Alright, I know this lyric is meant to be about the famine that was raging at the time, but outside of that context, this hasn’t aged well. It makes Africa sound like this desolate wasteland. Did you know a lot of the food you eat is grown in Africa? Have you seen picture of Africa, it’s a beautiful country bursting with natural colours. It's not a fucking Mad Max film.
“Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?”. And now we come to the title of the song in question. Ignoring the obvious sentimental guilt tripping this title is meant to invoke, it doesn’t even make sense. Africa has a very large population of Christians that likely possess a marvellous invention known as a calendar. Something tells me they know that it’s Christmas.
But more to the point, this title really hammers home the western centric world view this song has. Believe it or not, Africa isn't like Europe or America. It's its own country with a different climate and culture than our own. Maybe their Christmases are a little different from ours, every other country celebrates the holiday in its own way. Japan actually eats KFC for Christmas believe it or not and that’s cool, I might try it myself one year. Every country and culture have a different set of beliefs and traditions. By trying to impose the western centric view of Christmas in this song, it makes it come off as a little racist.
I might be going too far with that one but, that’s what it feels like. I know people who like this song because they like the message it has. And if you do like it for that reason then bully for you, but let’s just say that Geldof's recent tax haven shenanigans give me pause in thinking he was 100% genuine with his message.
And even if you like the message, that doesn’t mean it’s a good song. The lyrics are awful, the music is boring and generic, and I don’t think anyone really wanted to do it. Don't believe me, watch this clip of Band Aid on Top of the Pops, google it kids, and tell me anyone looks comfortable doing it.
But you know what the worst thing about this song is, it won’t go away. Even though the famine ended long ago, it still gets played on the radio frequently at Christmastime. It's been re-recorded several times and even spawned a host of other, similar charity singles in the years since its release, each one more insufferable than the last. And do you know why it doesn’t go away? Because all of you fucking boomers went and made this the best-selling Christmas single of all time, at least in the UK. So now we all have to listen to it every, single, year! Fuck global warming, the biggest crime boomers inflicted on the younger generation was forcing them to listen to this song every Christmas. Great gift assholes.
I could go on folks but, I think it’s time to wrap things up. You know, after going through all these songs it makes me wonder, why do we put up them? Why do we listen to the same songs every year when we know they’re terrible? I thought about this while writing and then it dawned on me. Maybe it’s not the actual songs themselves that people like, but the memories attached to them.
These songs, for good or for ill, are very nostalgic for a lot of people. They carry memories of Christmases long ago, of family gatherings with people you may have lost or fallen out with. Perhaps we put up with these songs because they remind us of happier times. For a lot of us Christmas has become very nostalgic, we use it to remind ourselves of the past while looking toward the future and I can’t blame people for doing that, especially with the current state of the world right now.
But I would argue that such a mindset is unhealthy. Yes, nostalgia is a fun thing to indulge in from time to time, but nostalgia can also be toxic. It leaves people desperate for the good old days. They attempt to replicate the same feelings they got from a Christmas long past, even though you can never truly replicate it. It's this mindset that leads to people putting up their Christmas decorations up months in advance or watching Christmas films in October when they should be watching horror ones.
It can also lead people to get stuck in traditions and being unwilling to try something new even if it might be better. And I can attest to that, recently tried something new with my Christmas traditions and enjoyed it so much that I'm planning on doing it again this year. It's important to try new things, it can really broaden your horizons. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, can we please get some new Christmas songs for God's sake! I get that listening to these songs have become tradition for some people, but some traditions aren’t worth keeping around. It's ok to look at the traditions you have and go “you know what, I’m done doing this”. It's how we grow as people; you realize what traditions worth keeping around and what’s not. So music industry, if you can pull your heads out of your asses and listen for once, please make some new Christmas music. Because if I continue hearing these songs, next year I’m celebrating Festivus.
That's it for me this year ladies and gentlemen. I’ll be taking a break from the site for the holidays, but I’ll be back in January and I plan on doing a lot more. Until next time, remember to stay safe and have a very merry Christmas. See you in 2021.
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